I've never been the kind of person who regrets anything. I live my life how I like and whatever happens is the result of my own decisions and I have never felt as if any of my decisions shouldn't have been made. Every step I've taken, every relationship I've been in has brought me to where I am today.
I've never been the kind of person who regrets anything... until today. My boyfriend is moving. Typing it that way makes it sound so silly and trivial, like I should just be okay with it. I'm not okay. I feel as if we've wasted so much time butting heads and being stubborn that we never appreciated what we had. Now he's leaving. And I'm running out of time.
There were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to eat breakfast on the beach and watch the sunrise. I wanted to spend an entire day in bed just eating ice cream out of the container and hiding under the covers. I wanted to introduce him to my favorite movies and songs. I wanted to run through the rain. I wanted spend another day just wandering around the city. I wanted to buy him a replacement cup of hot chocolate. I wanted to take him to the little movie theatre in Bradley Beach and eat at the old Italian restaurant next door. I wanted to go dancing. I wanted to drink our anniversary wine. I wanted to introduce him to all of my friends. I wanted to cook for him - really cook for him. I wanted to visit his Mother in Virginia. I wanted to go to the Museum of Natural History and the Met and Central Park and the zoo. I wanted to share my favorite books with him. I wanted to have more crazy, spontaneous, middle-of-the-night adventures. I wanted there to be quiet moments over cups of coffee. I wanted to wear more funny hats.
But we can't. Everything's changing. Time is short. These things will never happen. I can feel him slipping away, starting a new life with a new routine, new worries, and new priorities. I don't think I've ever faced anything this difficult and I don't think I've ever gone through this many tissue boxes in one day.
I'm sorry to digress from the usually sunny blog posts, but I had to get this out. I've never been this heartbroken and I've never considered time "wasted" before today. I'm scared.
I've never been the kind of person who regrets anything... until today. My boyfriend is moving. Typing it that way makes it sound so silly and trivial, like I should just be okay with it. I'm not okay. I feel as if we've wasted so much time butting heads and being stubborn that we never appreciated what we had. Now he's leaving. And I'm running out of time.
There were so many things I wanted to do. I wanted to eat breakfast on the beach and watch the sunrise. I wanted to spend an entire day in bed just eating ice cream out of the container and hiding under the covers. I wanted to introduce him to my favorite movies and songs. I wanted to run through the rain. I wanted spend another day just wandering around the city. I wanted to buy him a replacement cup of hot chocolate. I wanted to take him to the little movie theatre in Bradley Beach and eat at the old Italian restaurant next door. I wanted to go dancing. I wanted to drink our anniversary wine. I wanted to introduce him to all of my friends. I wanted to cook for him - really cook for him. I wanted to visit his Mother in Virginia. I wanted to go to the Museum of Natural History and the Met and Central Park and the zoo. I wanted to share my favorite books with him. I wanted to have more crazy, spontaneous, middle-of-the-night adventures. I wanted there to be quiet moments over cups of coffee. I wanted to wear more funny hats.
But we can't. Everything's changing. Time is short. These things will never happen. I can feel him slipping away, starting a new life with a new routine, new worries, and new priorities. I don't think I've ever faced anything this difficult and I don't think I've ever gone through this many tissue boxes in one day.
I'm sorry to digress from the usually sunny blog posts, but I had to get this out. I've never been this heartbroken and I've never considered time "wasted" before today. I'm scared.
Oh, hugs! I think there's always something still undone, no matter how fully we live; it's what makes time so precious.
ReplyDeleteIs your sweet moving away for good, or is this just a temporary separation? If it's temporary, maybe you can make an adventure of it? Maybe? I don't know, the thought of my crazyboy being away makes me panic, I've got no good ideas. But major sympathies!
Thank you so much for your support! I swear, this is the craziest emotional rollercoaster I've ever been on. Trust me, I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off!
ReplyDeleteSadly, he's moving away permanently, and I still have 3 years of school left. We're in quite the predicament at the moment, but fortunately he's just as crazy about me as I am about him and I know I'm not losing him for good. I think I'm always going to wish for more time, though. Such is life.