Nerves.

Two years ago when I had surgery, I wasn't nervous.
I wasn't afraid.
I wasn't even bothered by it really.
I mean, I hate those stupid open-backed hospital gowns that really only serve to titillate any pervy members of the hospital staff that happen to be wandering around when you're trying to find a bathroom and I was a bit angry about having to wear one, but, other than that, I was the epitome of cool when they put me under. Even the anaesthesiologist seemed a bit thrown by the fact that I was so cavalier about the whole thing. He kept giving my Father the "Your daughter is either crazy-brave or on drugs" look in between sticking a needle in my hand. Go figure.

I'm nervous now though.
I'm nervous about the stupid test I have to have later today.
I'm nervous about the results.
I'm nervous that, because I happen to be benched right now when it comes to sex, that I'm suddenly going to be way less appealing.*
I'm nervous that this isn't going to be a quick fix.
I'm nervous as hell and, frankly, I wish I could have just played hookie with Kate all day instead of having to face real life.

Tonight is going to suck and tomorrow is going to be really interesting.








*As a side note on this point, because I know I'm going to get guff for it, I realize that any guy who only wants to have sex with me isn't worth my time anyway. I realize that. I will punch anyone who decides to go all Femi-nazi on me because they think I'm niave and/or dillusional. Girl power is great and all, but honestly all it really serves to do most of the time is cover up our larger insecurities about the way men view us so cool it with that shit for a second, okay? Here's the thing - at this current juncture, I don't think I'm ready for the revelation that a guy I might want only wants me for sex. I don't think I have the capacity to be let down by that right now, and this entire "Hey you can't have sex because your uterus is on strike" thing is sort of pushing that issue to the forefront and forcing me to deal with it. I'm cranky about it and, obviously, nervous. If you still feel the need to lecture me, you've been warned, and I have a mean right hook.