This is all Snipps' fault.

Wow. I haven't updated since March. I can barely even remember March! In all honesty, I probably wouldn't be updating now if Snipps' Tumblr post inspired by my dessert post hadn't inspired me to start writing again. Yeah, there was a lot of inspiration running around.


Some things have changed since the last time I posted, and, at the same time, not much has changed at all. I'm still watching Merlin, enjoying my metaphorical cupcake, and spending much too much time in the library looking at the folklore books (which they moved, by the way, to the dungeon. Because we couldn't just keep them where they were before. Oh no. The music majors had to have their fucking music on the middle level so now I have to sit in the fucking dungeon if I want to do research because those selfish pricks couldn't just be happy they even had a fucking section. Okay. I'm good now. As a side note, my cupcake is a music major. Go figure.).


Anyway, this summer was a long one. I started a Sir Leon appreciation Tumblr which I gave up after about 3 weeks because life got in the way. For those of you who don't know, which is pretty much everyone, my Grandmother was very ill this summer and my Mother and I spent most of our time dealing with that. She's allright now so no need to retroactively panic - in fact the doctors say she'll be 100% better by Christmas - but it was a very time consuming and stressful thing that took up most of my time and energy.


Also, and I know this is totally unrelated and not even remotely in the vein of what I was just talking about, but I seriously hate it when people eat in the library. A drink is fine, no need to dehydrate yourself, but do you seriously need a tuna sandwich right now? Seriously?! Right now?!? And do you need to chew like a cow? I don't need to hear you chew from across the room! It's gross! Your tuna is gross! I hope you choke! I've had a lot of sugar today.


Getting back to my life story though, this summer my time was divided between my Grandmother and my super-amazing cupcake, which is good, because I needed some normalcy in my life. Yeah, we had our ups and downs (what baked good hasn't had it's stale days?) but the important thing is that you find a way to work around funky colored frosting and crumby cake batter and you stick to it. I learned a lot this summer about myself and the kind of person I am in a crisis. There are things I wish I was better at, but overall, I think I'm not so bad to have around. It really, overall, comes down to this: Someone has to hold it together, to be the end of the line. If it's somebody else, try not to overwhelm them. If it's you, hold on tight and try to find a way to keep it together, because people are counting on you.


And now to end this post, I will add a picture of Sir Leon. The incredibly adorable knight of the round table played by Rupert Young, who I all too briefly dedicated a tumblr too. This one's for you, Leon.

No words.

I am so sick. No, really. Deathly ill. I really do think I might actually be dying. Slowly. While watching Merlin and trying not to drool every time I see Gwaine. (which is super difficult because he's super yummy.)
Anyway, this post really isn't supposed to be about Eoin Macken or Merlin or how excited I am that we're getting closer to meeting the knights of the round table. It's really supposed to be about how amazing my boyfriend is, but I don't think I can do that. Unfortunately, I've come to realize that the proper words don't exist in the English language in order to facilitate my gushing. Seriously. I'm at a loss. Sitting here writing sentence after sentence beginning with the words "I love" and ending with some amazing thing he does seems repetitive and completely and totally inadequate. Sometimes what you're feeling for someone transcends words.

All I have are feelings and looks and the ridiculously rowdy butterflies that seem to have permanently taken up residence in my chest. I know my skin tingles every time he touches it, and every time we go to an art museum and stare at the impressionist paintings or he listens as I ramble on about architecture and how much I hate rococo revival or he makes me dinner I want to cry because I'm not sure how I got to be this lucky. I know there is nothing more wonderful than being in his arms and I know that I turn into a puddle of mush when he smiles at me. I know these things, and I know how he feels about me, and I know how I feel about him. So, really, I guess I don't need to sit here and make a ridiculous list.

Back to Merlin I go.

Recap. (or what to do when one locates their cupcake.)

I'm going to start off this post by saying this is all a completely hypothetical situation. Naturally. This does not relate directly to my real life at all. Nope. Not a bit.

So there was Jell-o. Life was miserable and sad and no one wants to talk about it. It's a simple fact that one bad dessert has the propensity to bleed over into every other aspect of your life until you wake up one morning and realize you're sick of settling for something they only feed to dying people in hospitals.

Okay. Moving on.

Then there was an interim dessert that isn't even worth mentioning because you figured out rather quickly that while it was all yummy looking on the outside, it was actually made of Marzipan. Oh yes. Marzipan. Worst let down ever? I think so. Disgusting? Yes, that too.

Then there was the Pie/Cake dilemma. Oof. There are no words for this one. This is that moment when you realize you've been staring at the dessert case trying to make a decision for way too long and all of the free samples they gave you sucked. It's the first time in your life that you decide not to have any dessert at all because, well, ew. It's all super-gross.

Then you swear off desserts and tell everyone that it's such a good idea and that they should do it too because you've finally managed to piece together some self-respect and you feel amazing. Three cheers for no extra calories!

Then it happens. There's this cupcake and it magically appears out of nowhere and it's everything you've ever wanted. (I'm not making this up. Desserts do, in fact, magically appear sometimes. Granted, this is the first time it's ever happened to me.. wait.. I lost track of whether or not I'm speaking about real life or continuing with this thinly veiled metaphor... Never mind.) Anyway, this cupcake is perfect and sweet yet it also simultaneously makes you want to take your clothes off. (What? Desserts don't have that effect on you? Clearly there's something missing in your life.) And you're happy. No really, you are. You're disgustingly happy like a little girl who actually convinced someone to buy her a pony. And you giggle. A lot.

So what do you do now? Well, you try to carry on and not act like a complete lunatic all the time. You also find something else to talk about because there comes a time when even your best friend gets a little overwhelmed by your "THE ENTIRE WORLD IS MADE OF RAINBOWS NOW" philosophy... because it's overwhelming and, well, you're probably acting like a lunatic and wildly gesticulating.

So, in conclusion, life is good. You know, if this were a real scenario. And in that case it would still be about desserts. Not people. Nope.

Good Question.

I mean, do you? What's the next step after you realize you were super-happy for a month and one of the contributory factors to said happiness just wandered off and is probably never coming back? Do you really still have to run around thinking there's a time when everything is going to be perfect again or is okay to just push on? Does everything have to be part of some master plan that's going to lead to ultimate happiness or is it enough to just make it through sometimes?

I guess, logically (god, now I sound like Millheiser), life has to be a mixture of all of it - the pursuit, the surviving, and all the benal bits in between.

I know right now that I'm just surviving. It's what we Jedics do, we soldier on no matter the circumstances - whether it's a bruised lung or a broken heart. It stands to reason though that eventually I'll get back to the whole pursuing thing, maybe not with the person I'd like to be pursuing some ultimate goal of total happiness with, but it seems that isn't up to me any more. One can only be so reasonable, so understanding, so caring, and so supportive before it becomes the other person's job to just fucking believe you when you say everything short of "Hey, I still think you're wonderful. No matter what."
Because it's the truth.

People.

I hate them.

Okay, well, maybe "hate" is a strong word. I'm "bothered" by most people, I wish I could "forcefully ignore" more people, I wish everyone I "didn't like" would just disappear into a hole forever... but if that happened, honestly, we'd probably be missing most of the population of Mason Gross.. and that would clearly be such a tragedy.

This isn't a new thing for me, but I feel like I'm being aggravated quite a bit lately by people and their nonsense and their whining and their needs. I mean, c'mon already, do I really give the impression that I care? Really? Me?!

Apparently I need to lay it out -

Your. needs. are. not. my. concern. If you're not relevent to my future, not adorable, not an obsessive Merlin fan, not toting a plush toy, or not Kate Black, I. don't. care.

Really.

I don't.

Don't confuse my ability to play the game for actual concern and if you're reading this and questioning if I actually like you, I probably don't. The people I love know that I love them. End of story.

I really hope I've cleared up some of the confusion now.

Now, I'm going to go read some fanfiction, work on a hat, and maybe, just maybe, get some sleep.... but let's not get ahead of ourselves. Sleep is for people who don't go to theatre school... or have Merlin obsessions.

Reality check.

You know what I want?


I want the guy who runs around the kingdom saving everyone from mortal peril with no thought for his own life or the fact that he will receive no recognition for what he does.

I want the guy who loses his entire family because his stepmother decides to destroy them in a fit of rage and instead of allowing himself to become bitter and broken, devotes his life to helping complete strangers.

I want the guy who is so afraid he's going to hurt an already broken kingdom that he denies his birthright and goes on a seemingly doomed quest to save the world the only way he knows how.


I think it's obvious I've been immersing myself in a few too many fantasy stories... stories where men are real men - stories where men are heroes, unselfish and unflinching, capable of loving and appreciating those who love them in return. And while I suppose having a Merlin marathon right now isn't the best idea, I can't help myself. I really wish I lived in a world where men like that are everywhere. You know, men who care about you regardless of the fact that you're half a flying panther or being followed around by creepy bounty hunters.

Unfortunately, guys like that don't exist in abundance in real life like they do in fairy tales. The problem is, women think they do. Women like to think that every guy they meet is their Prince Charming in disguise, that they can somehow reform every douchebag they find drooling on themselves in a bar into the man of their dreams.. women are hopeful, optimistic and completely unrealistic morons. Truly, we are. Instead of running around thinking every guy with a handsome face or a good opening line has the potential to be our soul mate (if we can only save them from themselves and all those nasty habits they have, that is), what we all should be doing is trying to find men who are already worth it, who already deserve us, who are already heroes.

So ladies, get yourself a big bowl of popcorn and a glass of wine (not from a box.. self-respect is key in this scenario.) and pop in Lord of the Rings so that the next time you find yourself pining over some loser who is under the impression that it's a-okay to ignore you or drop off the face of the earth or chase after other women when you're clearly interested because you'll obviously always come back for more, you'll be able to say to yourself "Aragorn would never do this to me" and motivate yourself into going out and finding someone who isn't a complete shit.




And now I'll end this post with this gratuitous picture of Colin Morgan:

yum!

New Year?

Really?
But.. but what if I don't want a new one? I made such a downright mess of last year I had, I don't think I want the responsibility of having to deal with a whole new one! That's like giving a new car to a blind retard and expecting them not to run into a burm the second they change gears. Giving me a new year is such a bad idea. Seriously. SUCH a bad idea.


[Author's Note: I have no idea what to write as a second paragraph. I've tried writing about all of the good things that happened last year, but it got a little ridiculous and irritating. Then I thought "Hey, maybe I'll try outlining all of the things I have to look forward to this year!" but that got a little ridiculous and irritating too. So now you're stuck reading this author's note and wasting your time as I blather on about my writers block. Maybe it's not writers block though, maybe I just don't feel the need to pander to anyone or inundate the few readers I may have with long lists of things they probably don't care about (and that I don't really care to tell them). Maybe it's enough to say that last year kind of sucked, but there were some definite high-points that made it all worth it. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have my weekly adventures with Kate Black, my birthday wouldn't have been half as good if I didn't get to wander around the city and have a suprise sleepover with my Chino... really, honestly, there's nothing like knowing you have the most amazing friends in the world who are going to support you and love you no matter what you get yourself into. And considering how frequently I manage to get myself into some serious shenanigans, it's nice to know I'll always have backup, people to drink or cry with... someone to buy calico critters and chase baby owls with, someone to eat copious amounts of food with, someone to play Wii tennis and shop for funny hats with, someone to watch movies with that have hot, aging British actors in them..... Friends are the best and they make even the worst times worth it. Maybe this author's note wasn't so blather-y and useless after all. Maybe this post should have just been about friendship all along.]